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love, doubts and Crimmy.

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i used to think love was supposed to be clean. like a glass of water. transparent, simple, easy to drink down. but mine's always been messy. cracked cups, quiet ache, love letters i never sent.

for the longest time, my heart has been tangled up in someone who never looked back. Armin. my best friend. i love him in the kind of way you hide in between moments; fixing his tie, laughing too hard at things only we found funny. i loved him silently. maybe even selfishly. and it hurt like hell.

then came Crimmy.

Crimson crashed into my life like light. soft but blinding. he's the most beautiful boy i've ever seen; not just how he looks, but how he is. how he smiles like he's choosing to stay. how he sees me even when i want to disappear.

and i'm so, so whipped. i call him my Crimmy because somehow the name feels like a hug. when he's holding my hand, it feels like maybe i could finally stop running. he makes me feel chosen; not second, not leftover, not "almost."

but sometimes, when it's late and i'm too deep in my head, i hate myself for still feeling something for Armin. not because i want to, but because a part of me is still healing. and i never want to make Crimmy feel like he's competing with a ghost i haven't buried.

and then there's Shadow who i call my Misty.

my other best friend. my safe space. the boy i've curled around when the world got too loud. we've kissed. slept together. blurred lines i don't know how to unblur. i love him too. maybe not like Crimmy, not like Armin, but deeply. i feel responsible for his happiness. and i wonder... is that cheating? is comfort cheating?

i don't want to lie to Crimmy. don't want to hurt him. but i can't turn my back on Misty either. it's a mess. i'm a mess.

i'm not perfect. but i want to be good. for Crimmy. he's not my second choice.

he's the first thing that ever felt right.

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